Young People Ask

How Can I Talk to My Parents?

“I tried really hard to tell my parents how I felt, but it didn’t come out right​—and they just cut me off. It took a lot for me to get up the nerve to express myself, and it was a complete failure!”​—Rosa. *

WHEN you were younger, your parents were probably the first ones you ran to for advice. You told them any news, large or small. You freely expressed your thoughts and feelings, and you had confidence in their advice.

Now, though, you may feel that your parents just can’t relate to you anymore. “One evening at mealtime I began to cry and pour out my feelings,” says a girl named Edie. “My parents listened, but they didn’t seem to understand.” The result? “I just went to my bedroom and cried some more!”

On the other hand, sometimes you might prefer not to open up to your parents. “I talk to my parents about many subjects,” says a boy named Christopher. “But I like it that sometimes they don’t know everything I’m thinking.”

Is it wrong to keep some thoughts to yourself? Not necessarily​—as long as you’re not being deceitful. (Proverbs 3:32) Nevertheless, whether your parents don’t seem to understand you or you are holding back, one thing is certain: You need to talk to your parents​—and they need to hear from you.

Keep Talking!

In some ways, communicating with your parents is like driving a car. If you encounter a roadblock, you don’t give up; you simply find another route. Consider some examples.

 Roadblock #1: You need to talk, but your parents don’t seem to be listening. “I find it difficult to communicate with my father,” says a girl named Leah. “Sometimes I’ll talk to him for a while and then he’ll say, ‘I’m sorry, were you speaking to me?’”

QUESTION: What if Leah really needs to discuss a problem? She has at least three options.

Option A

Yell at her dad. Leah might scream: “Come on, this is important! Listen!”

Option B

Stop talking to her dad. Leah could simply give up on trying to tell her problems to her parents.

Option C

Wait for a better time and bring up the subject again. Leah could speak with her dad face-to-face, or she might even write him a letter about her problem.

Which option do you think Leah should choose? ․․․․․

Let’s explore each option to see where it would likely lead. Leah’s dad is distracted​—and thus unaware of her frustration. So if Leah chooses Option A, her screaming might seem to come out of nowhere. This option probably wouldn’t make Leah’s dad more receptive to her words, and it wouldn’t show respect and honor for her parents. (Ephesians 6:2) Really, then, this option leads to a no-win situation.

While Option B might be the easiest course to take, it’s not the wisest. Why? Because “there is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk, but in the multitude of counselors there is accomplishment.” (Proverbs 15:22) To deal successfully with her problems, Leah needs to talk to her parents​—and if they’re going to be of any help, they need to know what’s going on in her life. Ceasing to talk accomplishes neither.

With Option C, however, Leah doesn’t let a roadblock become a dead end. Rather, she tries to discuss the subject another time. And if she chooses to write her dad a letter, Leah might feel better right away. Writing the letter may also help her to formulate exactly what she wants to say when her dad is listening. When he reads the letter, Leah’s dad will learn what she was trying to tell him, which may help him to understand her plight better. Option C thus benefits both Leah and her dad.

What other options might Leah have? See if you can think of one, and write it below. Then, write down where that option will likely lead.

․․․․․

 Roadblock #2: Your parents want to talk, but you’d rather not. “There’s nothing worse than being hit with questions immediately after a hard day at school,” says a girl named Sarah. “I just want to forget about school, but right away my parents start asking: ‘How was your day? Were there any problems?’” No doubt, Sarah’s parents ask such questions with the best of intentions. Still, she laments, “It’s hard to talk about school when I’m tired and stressed.”

QUESTION: What can Sarah do in this situation? As with the previous example, she has at least three options.

Option A

Refuse to talk. She might say: “Just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk right now!”

Option B

Go ahead and talk. Despite feeling stressed, Sarah could begrudgingly answer her parents’ questions.

Option C

Defer the “school” talk but keep the conversation going on another topic. Sarah might suggest that they could discuss school at another time, when she knows that she’ll be in a better frame of mind. Then she could say, with genuine interest: “Tell me about your day. How did things go for you?”

Which option do you think Sarah should choose? ․․․․․

Again, let’s explore each option to see where it would likely lead.

Before choosing Option A, Sarah feels stressed and isn’t inclined to talk. After choosing this option, she would still feel stressed, but she’d also feel guilty for blowing up at her parents.​—Proverbs 29:11.

Meanwhile, Sarah’s parents wouldn’t appreciate her outburst​—or the silence that would follow. They might suspect that Sarah is hiding something. They might try even harder to get her to open up, which, of course, would frustrate her even more. In the end, this option leads to a no-win situation.

Option B is obviously a better choice than Option A. After all, at least Sarah and her parents would be talking. But since the conversation wouldn’t be heartfelt, both Sarah and her parents wouldn’t get what they want either​—a relaxed, open discussion.

With Option C, however, Sarah would feel better because the “school” talk has been delayed for now. Her parents would appreciate her effort to make conversation, so they’d be happy too. This option likely has the best chance of success because both sides are applying the principle found at Philippians 2:4, which says: “Look out for one another’s interests, not just for your own.”​—Today’s English Version.

More articles from the “Young People Ask” series can be found at the Web site www.watchtower.org/​ype

[Footnote]

TO THINK ABOUT

▪ What role does timing play in good communication?​—Proverbs 25:11.

▪ Why is talking to your parents worth the effort?​—Job 12:12.

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MIXED MESSAGES?

Are you having trouble communicating with your parents? Maybe what you’re saying isn’t what they’re hearing.

When you say . . .

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Your parents hear . . .

“I’ll freely share my thoughts and feelings with my friends, but you’re not important enough in my life for me to open up to you.”

When you say . . .

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Your parents hear . . .

“You’re too old and out of touch. Forget about even trying to understand my world.”

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WHAT YOUR PEERS SAY

“I told my parents about a problem I had at school, and I was surprised at how readily they listened. With their help the problem was easy to solve!”​—Natalie.

“Communicating with your parents isn’t always easy, but when you do open up and talk to them, you feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off your mind.”​—Devenye.

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A NOTE TO PARENTS

As a concerned parent, perhaps you wonder whether your children find it hard to talk to you. Consider what some youths told Awake! about why they hold back from talking to their parents. Then, ask yourself the accompanying questions, and look up the cited scriptures.

“I find it hard to approach Dad because he has a lot on his plate, both at work and in the congregation. There never really seems to be a convenient time to talk to him.”​—Andrew.

‘Have I unwittingly sent the message that I’m too busy to talk to my teenagers? If so, how can I make myself more approachable? What time can I regularly set aside to talk with my children?’​—Deuteronomy 6:7.

“I approached my mother in tears about an argument I’d had at school. I wanted her to comfort me, but instead she just reprimanded me. Since then, I haven’t approached her about anything important.”​—Kenji.

‘How do I respond when my children approach me with a problem? Even if correction is in order, can I learn to stop and listen with empathy before giving advice?’​—James 1:19.

“It seems that every time parents say we can talk and they won’t get angry, they still become upset. Then the teen feels betrayed.”​—Rachel.

‘If my child tells me something that is upsetting, how can I control my initial reaction?’​—Proverbs 10:19.

“Many times when I opened up to Mom about very private matters, she turned around and told them to her friends. I lost confidence in her for a long time.”​—Chantelle.

‘Do I show consideration for my child’s feelings by not spreading private matters that he or she has confided to me?’​—Proverbs 25:9.

“I have a lot of things I want to talk about with my parents. I just need their help to start the conversation.”​—Courtney.

‘Can I take the initiative to talk to my adolescent? What times are best for talking?’​—Ecclesiastes 3:7.

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A communication roadblock need not be a dead end​—you can find a way to talk to your parents!